confused no, a little. Yet focused. Quite possibly more focused through confusion in a way that matters intensely. I feel as though my surface feeling have become an avenue of just my inner idiosyncrasies which makes these surface feelings and reactions cheap, very cheap, no worthless interactions I create from the inner me. I feel like the inner me is inappropriate and has bad timing and would not be able to open his mouth because it would create distance through its unitarian goals, and would cut too sharply that the bleeding may not stop. I feel as though if I now spoke up there would be undesirable controversy and phoniness that would be violent, more violent than suppression. yes suppression thats the ticket. I will get on a train and go the other way. It seems like it would be better to do that than it would be to not be able to express myself in the very elusive and kind face of danger. At least danger for now. There may be a day when I can be plain, a day where my thoughts can flow straight unhindered into another's ears, but most ears are closed shut but concerned, most ears most ears are closed shut but ask questions. Why care? well its simple caring comes with the territory and this territory has been bearing similar fruit yet each harvest the crop is richer. Will I make wine? I don't drink alcohol. the fruit though is great. Once I see a flower though then I know. Once I see that flower I will rush like a father to a baby seeing the first glorious steps of potential, to harvest its magnificent beauty no bee no bird will bother the nectar, no swift expert will take this prize but no, me. Why me pick this sweet flower? This flower is a search I have been looking for in many fields. So thank you God, please grow