confused no, a little. Yet focused. Quite possibly more focused through confusion in a way that matters intensely. I feel as though my surface feeling have become an avenue of just my inner idiosyncrasies which makes these surface feelings and reactions cheap, very cheap, no worthless interactions I create from the inner me. I feel like the inner me is inappropriate and has bad timing and would not be able to open his mouth because it would create distance through its unitarian goals, and would cut too sharply that the bleeding may not stop. I feel as though if I now spoke up there would be undesirable controversy and phoniness that would be violent, more violent than suppression. yes suppression thats the ticket. I will get on a train and go the other way. It seems like it would be better to do that than it would be to not be able to express myself in the very elusive and kind face of danger. At least danger for now. There may be a day when I can be plain, a day where my thoughts can flow straight unhindered into another's ears, but most ears are closed shut but concerned, most ears most ears are closed shut but ask questions. Why care? well its simple caring comes with the territory and this territory has been bearing similar fruit yet each harvest the crop is richer. Will I make wine? I don't drink alcohol. the fruit though is great. Once I see a flower though then I know. Once I see that flower I will rush like a father to a baby seeing the first glorious steps of potential, to harvest its magnificent beauty no bee no bird will bother the nectar, no swift expert will take this prize but no, me. Why me pick this sweet flower? This flower is a search I have been looking for in many fields. So thank you God, please grow

Thinking on details. What an important area of life. Details define each aspect of everything or redefine things or destroy definition because of their relative being based in simple information. Details in particular to relationships are fabricating. They can be the thread or even the fabric itself of a relationship. The attention paid to these details initiates the furtherance of love by portraying its fruit in relationships. Details are a defining aspect at least in part of how well one can or does or chooses to relate to another. Without noticing these details the fruits of love seem to be delayed or cancelled because it seems that these details are the attentativeness to the relationship itself by which you can measure how to properly treat and adore another. How you treat details and are inclined to use them defines the matter in which you react to and in any relationship. At most times this is a choice of how to react. Though at some points it can be in unawareness. At any point details are extraordinarily important when experiencing the invaluability of a person.

I sit, removed from some friends both new, old and either.

Either way reminiscing, and missing.

Will tomorrow ever come in the same happy-fun-loving way yesterday fluttered away?

The time as it passed seemed in anticipation of what was to come

but now what has come is in the grasps of what has been.

Each moment in its community has been separated as one single memory in a stream of highlights.

Yet the reels continue to unravel.

some pieces of the puzzle seem to have been lost,

but this is my first time building a puzzle like this.

A puzzle full of dreams, love, creativity, manipulation, trust, and deceit.

Wait let me see the box again. where do these fit?

Removed.

my view, our view how many puzzle pieces can I see?

My picture doesn't look like the box.!

This is Our God

I keep hearing this saying "Let the Spirit move" as in the spirit of God waiting for our directions to say yes go ahead and do what you intend to. As though we are some over protective parent who allows their children to go out and play in the sandbox. Do we really have control over God's spirit in arena's like worship and communal gathering? I feel like simply no we don't. (though I could be wrong because I still hold the idea that we have free-will) The idea that God can't move to me seems as though we are giving ourselves much more control than we have. Any time I think of God doing things in my life or after witnessing his influence on another's it seems like we are partnering with God's plan like joining into something he has already designed. It is not as though I said "Uh God I have this great idea for worship and I was kinda thinking you would be best in this one really emotional part of the service where I feel you'll fit best. Do you think you could enter there for me?". Instead God enters where he knows best. I am not saying God takes over our free-will to choose him, but he presents himself for us to choose him. I don't think that God allows us to say "ok God you can make yourself available to these people now" Because then obviously God would then not always be available. To me to say or even to have the mindset of letting god's spirit move is very limiting in our own perspective of who our God is and whether he is as powerful as we understand him to be. At the same time no matter how powerful we understand him to be he is still transcendent and above our comprehension, so lets not hinder ourselves more.

(This blog is open to rebuttal)

wow I never ever thought I would say this but... I learned a lot this year...

I feel so stuck right now. Not stuck in a good place either. I am stuck in an ideal place but where I am is not physical, but a place I go to when I am STUCK. This is obnoxious the more I think about this being stuck a sinking feeling comes into my grasps indicating it'll be okay, I feel like maybe how things were are not how they should be or can be. Did it not work before, before I was stuck. the thing is before I was stuck it seemed like it was all working, so smooth. Now as I am stuck I wish I had something and often someone to relate to. But no one else I see is stuck, and things are passing me up. HOW CAN I CARE showing it has not ever been a trouble prior to this but now I feel like I have starved myself of this natural function. To go from a fountain to a desert is heart-breaking

Tonight I was gleeming over a picture I have been labouring on for a sum of time now and I began to notice all the places where I had made mistakes or where it was imperfect. I began to see the painting as an incomplete work. The work of creating a picture so that it is true to-life is a feat. When you first notice this painting it looks pretty decent it looks almost finished. Even I was thinking wow only a few more parts and its done. The truth however is that it is not close. I watched a movie and returned to my painting to see what it was all about and reviewed the perspective it captures. When I returned I found so many flaws and incongruencies that I found it hard to even want to fix all of them because the task seems so grueling, so for now I decided to wait for a bit to paint it further.

The painting reminds me a little of myself, and my friends. Upon first view wow what a cool fun person to be with hang around and enjoy thier company. But exactly like the painting what is the perspective it captures what about the painting is it revealing, and conveying. I don't want to judge people. I just mean to say that learning about people takes time and hours of countless scrutiny to determine the true state of their heart. I had and have and plan to spend hours working on this painting in order that its perspective is as close to reality, or the true picture as I can. This painting experience reminds me so much of how I need to pour hours of my life into earnestly sprinting to know God intricately not to find imperfections in Him but rather in me, and to scrutinize my friends not to find sin but to find the image of God in them. To see them eternally as my family. The flaws and incongruencies of my painting does not make me want to forsake it and start another one, but rather I seek to work through the imperfections so that the painting will become more true to itself if you will. My goal then in getting to know my friends and even those who I don't know is to be such a good artist that I may display the picture which God has placed within my heart, and to understand the picture he has put in theirs as well. That i may be able to show the beauty of the creator. I pray that I may be able to use my artistics to articulate the beauty so intricate placed within my heart. To make this painting it takes great detail and the proper canvas. I learn from the painters around me as we all are learning how to make the good brush strokes in order that the texture of the painting accurately depicts what it is true to. The painting as the physical one I am making is incomplete and always will be because I don't feel able to properly and fully reveal its true honor and majestic perspective.
All of our artistic abilities are different and we make different pictures, "let know one hate on our paintings, but we may not pervert them either" our pictures tell stories of love, hate, friendship, life. Our painting brings us hope. We find our unity in the love we share even though some of our paintings are abstract, realistic, water-based, oil-based, acrylics what have you. The unity of our collage is unique to our kinship, but is not discriminatory to any. This painting has taught me quite a bit, I have learned that we all have our quirks, BUT we are all portraying a real picture. our painting has a purpose.
-paint